“Where are you?” I asked myself as I sank into the bathtub, the warm water grazing my chin. I exhaled with gusto, sending vibrations into the ocean surrounding me. I inhaled, sensing the frankincense and various oils in the tub. “Where are you?” I asked myself again. I do this when I’ve been disembodied for a certain period of time. I get disembodied when I grow distant from myself, distracting my mind from… anything substantial. Lately, this looks like endless scrolling on my phone. (I really hate that shit, I am really considering a flip phone and an mp3 player at this point.) I gave myself 24 hours of disembodiment after returning from work off grid. I believe the term nowadays is “bed rotting.” After a while, I got tired of the smell. I needed to freshen myself up, literally and spiritually.
I ask myself that question as a start to returning to a state of embodiment. "Here I am," I say in reply. I breathe deeply, feeling all of me return to presence. With all the embodiment work I’ve been studying lately, I’ve learned that dissociation serves a great purpose, and there’s a time for it. It’s okay to dissociate. It’s okay to be disembodied. What matters is not staying there, but growing our resolve each time and having tools present for when it’s time to return fully to ourselves.
In my book In Order for a Seed to Sprout, a book I started when I was 17, I took this from a journal entry:
WHERE IS YOUR BEAUTY? YOUR POWER? YOUR STRENGTH?
ARE YOU CLEAN? PHYSICALLY AND METAPHYSICALLY? IS YOUR SPACE CLEAN? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOUCHED UP YOUR HAIR? YOUR SKIN? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DRANK A GALLON OF WATER? ARE YOUR NAILS CLEAN? CUTICLES MOISTURIZED? ARE YOU BEING PRODUCTIVE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU GLOWING? ARE YOUR TEETH CLEAN? DID YOU EXERCISE YET? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S WRONG? WHY HAVE YOU BEEN A SLAVE TO YOUR BED AND STARING UP AT YOUR CEILING? WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH TO REST NOW? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW, DO YOU? YOUR PASSION? YOU'RE STUCK. YOU WANT TO GO BUT YOU'RE HERE. SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHILE YOU'RE HERE? YOU MUST CLEANSE. YOU MUST PRAY AND MEDITATE AND MANIFEST TO FIND A SOLUTION TO YOUR DORMANCY. YOU MUST CONTINUE TO GROW AND BLOSSOM. YOU DON'T WANT TO REFLECT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER. WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST? WHERE IS YOUR BEAUTY? YOUR POWER? YOUR STRENGTH? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Even during that time, I was curious as to why I had been in a state of disembodiment for so long. I struggled so much with dissociation and depression when I was younger, it almost became my default state of being. However, through the constant sensation of dissociation, I was able to practice many different ways of coming back into a nourishing state of feeling. I would sometimes get mad at myself or feel guilty for being in a dorsal vagal shutdown, but I had good reasons to want to escape from it all. Now, I offer myself the grace I needed back then, setting the standard for my future.
Earlier, before I got in the bath, my tone when asking where I was felt like a searchlight scanning for something lost. But the second time I asked, my tone was gentler, more like a warm call to come back home. Because I remembered, it’s easier to return to a place that feels safe and inviting. Safety is our body's highest priority. This will look different for different people at different phases of life, but I assure you, this is the point of it all. And as I washed in that bathtub, I knew I was safe. Safety allows presence.
So by default, this is where I started: with incense, with soul music, and a warm bath with castor oil. I applied bentonite clay on my face and massaged. Throughout this period of darkness and self-inquiry, I scanned my body, sensing tension and aches. Afterward, I did simple skincare, massaging the oil into the rest of my body. I straightened up my sacred space and moved into my yoga practice. My intention was to expand into every corner of my body, to find myself in a state of flow, and to push myself deeper and deeper. I did this while watching a glorious sunset from my window. The music continued to hum throughout my room. Doing this often allows me to check in with my body and know what I need to continue sculpting and lengthening. As the sun tucked in, I prayed, asking to be regrounded. Peace washed over me. I turned on the light, opened up Slow Pleasure by Euphemia Russel , and read it, swaying, humming, and delighting in the different ways I plan to return to embodiment in the future.
This entry from my book is a reminder that I am staying true to my path, but even more so, it will serve as a lifelong practice for me. Earlier this week, I reflected on the importance of staying in the presence of beauty and the peace and clarity it brings me. Beauty encompasses our physical body and the space that surrounds it. It includes the sounds that fill that space and the scents that cascade through it. Beauty is an energy; it demonstrates discipline and reverence. Whenever I feel off, starting with those inquiries always helps me snap back into myself. Self-care practices make me feel—you won’t believe it—well taken care of! Provided for! Seen! Worthy! When I choose to eat in a way that feels good, looks good, and is empowering, I feel all those things. When I take the time to move and sculpt my body, I feel those things. When I take time to pray throughout my day as intensely as I meditate, I feel those emotions. Decorating my space, writing, painting, doing my hair, and dressing for the day or evening—cleaning, organizing, and staying in tune with my heart are my self-care.
To end, I want to include a reminder I wrote in my planner for the month of October:
“Your beauty is your power. Spirit is the master artist. Practice Her models. You can transform the energy in the room through the beauty you embody. This isn’t based on outside validation but from within. You are a flower. You are an artist. Create. Sculpt. Speak light. Speak life. Be beautiful. You are learning. You are learning."
I imagine you speak like poetry and your voice is honeyed warmth. Thank you, this was very needed